Possession
by spacemonkey766
Summary: Iris mourned Barry's, his absence the heaviest thing she'd ever had to carry. It wasn't that Iris missed Barry, it was that Barry was missing from her. She knew he was gone, but that didn't stop her from hearing his voice in the wind and seeing shadows that reminded her of how it was and how they loved. [post season 3, pre season 4]
1. Keep Living

**Possession**

 **summary:** [post season 3, pre season 4] Iris mourned Barry's, his absence the heaviest thing she'd ever had to carry. It wasn't that Iris missed Barry, it was that Barry was missing from her. She knew he was gone, but that didn't stop her from hearing his voice in the wind and seeing shadows that reminded her of how it was and how they loved.

 **genre:** Romance, Angst

 **rated:** T

 **authors note:** title inspiration and lyrics are from "Possession" by Sarah McLachlan

* * *

 **Listen as the wind blows from across the great divide**

 **Voices trapped in yearning, memories trapped in time**

 **The night is my companion, and solitude my guide**

 **Would I spend forever here and not be satisfied?**

* * *

Time. They'd spent more time with each other in their lives than most people do; growing up together, best friends, lovers. She had always been his, despite how long it had taken to realize it herself. Distracted by the sense of home and family she felt when she thought of him, it took her awhile to recognize that her love for him went so much deeper than that. She had known him practically her whole life, almost looking at that face every day. It had been frightening and thrilling that all of a sudden she saw him the way he always saw her, that in a moment she had fallen in the kind of love that a lifetime wasn't enough to spend together.

He was her soulmate in every sense of the word, always had been. Barry had always been there, a quiet and peaceful presence in her life until suddenly she fell for him and like a bolt of lightning, changed her reality. Suddenly questions she'd never thought to ask had been answered when she recognized how much love she actually possessed for him. Much of their life remained the same because they had always been best friends, had always had that person to come home to. Deep down Iris knew that through all their fun, what she and Barry had was special and rare. Becoming lovers made everything clearer because now she could understand that behind the true friendship was a love rooted in trust and ignited in passion. They'd always loved each other. The only difference between then and now was _how_ they loved.

When they were friends, Barry would leave messages in her notebooks, little things to make her smile during the school day when they weren't together, a funny quip or an inside joke scribbled in the margins when she'd open them in the classrooms. When they were lovers, he left flowers on the nightstand when he couldn't be there when she woke up, fresh coffee always made waiting for her downstairs.

When they were friends, Iris would hold him while he cried, when the pain of his loss was too much, his head in her lap or on her shoulder. When they were lovers, she held him even tighter, his head to her chest or nestled against her neck.

When they were friends, they had late night chats and ice cream sundaes at 3am. When they were lovers, they did that too.

When they were friends, Barry would tell her she looked nice or great when asked. When they were lovers, Barry would tell her she was beautiful when she didn't ask.

But despite all their time spent with each other, it felt like the time apart stretched on in infinite space. Those nine months Barry had been in the coma she ached for her friend, for the man she knew better than any one, the person who knew her so completely. For nine months she watched her father lose hope that the boy he came to love like a son would ever wake up. For nine months she sat by his bedside hoping one day his eyes would open and tell her to stop talking because he was trying to sleep, just like he would when she'd sneak into his room when they were teens to talk about school gossip. Even with the distraction of a new romance with a good man, Iris had spent those nine months pining for Barry's presence in her life more than anything.

And now, after two months since Barry had walked into the Speed Force to save them all, the time once again stretched and felt longer than any of there time together. But this was worse than the coma. She couldn't look at his face, couldn't hold his hand, brush stray hair as he slept, watch his chest rise and fall with each breath that proved to her he was still alive. He wasn't dead, she knew that. But he was still gone.

She sat in the cortex, Kid Flash and Vibe out protecting Central City in his absence. When Cisco wasn't helping Wally keep Central City safe, he was working with Tracy and Harry to come up with a way to free Barry from the Speed Force prison without destabilizing it like they had when they rescued Jay. She spent as much time as she could, supporting them, aiding them in both endeavors. But that meant she spent a lot of time alone in the cortex, her thoughts always drifting as she stared at the Flash suit, Barry's suit, still displayed in the alcove proudly. He was still with him even when he wasn't. She couldn't help but let her mind wander as she sat there, memories flooding her, praying she'd get the chance to make more with him.

Her right hand absently fiddled with the ring on her left hand as she often did when he was on her mind. She was keeping the promise to him, to keep living her life. She was still working hard at CCPN, had stepped into a leader role for Team Flash, spending as much time with Wally and her father as she could. But she ached for Barry, hands fiddling with the ring every time she thought of him which was almost all the time.

What she would give to just lay on his chest and listen to his heartbeat. What she would give to feel him smiling in the middle of their kiss as he often did, to have those moments when he would roll over, put his arm around her and pull her closer in his sleep. If nothing else she wanted to hug him and hold him close because his arms had always meant home and this grief felt like being homesick. That yearning feeling of wholeness that only home provides.

Lost in thought she was startled when she heard her name. Barely a whisper, too quiet to come from Cisco or Wally's comms. Turning in the chair to look over her shoulder at the entrance confirmed she was alone.

But she heard her name whisper soft again, and she knew the voice. His voice played on repeat in her head, desperate to hold on to the sound forever. But it couldn't be him. He was gone and she was alone with nothing more than her thoughts, all the time in the world, and that homesick feeling.


	2. Keep Growing

**Possession**

 **summary:** [post season 3, pre season 4] Iris mourned Barry's, his absence the heaviest thing she'd ever had to carry. It wasn't that Iris missed Barry, it was that Barry was missing from her. She knew he was gone, but that didn't stop her from hearing his voice in the wind and seeing shadows that reminded her of how it was and how they loved.

 **genre:** Romance, Angst

 **rated:** T

 **authors note:** title inspiration and lyrics are from "Possession" by Sarah McLachlan

* * *

 **Through this world I've stumbled**

 **So many times betrayed**

 **Trying to find an honest word to find**

 **The truth enslaved**

 **Oh you speak to me in riddles**

 **And you speak to me in rhymes**

 **My body aches to breathe your breath**

 **Your words keep me alive**

* * *

His voice woke her up followed by the sensation of his touch on her arm. Like a jolt she bolted up, only to find herself alone. Breathing deeply she calmed herself, dismissing it as a dream but the chills on her arm where she felt his touch said something else. Peering around the room that once belonged to Barry, she decided she was too shaken to go back to sleep right now.

Iris walked slowly and cautiously through the dimly lit hall, 2am moonlight shining through the windows, her bare feet almost moving soundlessly across the wood floor as she made her way down the stairs of her father's home. She had stayed here almost every night for two months, not having the strength to return to the loft but not having the heart to move out of their loft completely. They would need it when he came back, when he came home. She didn't know how far away that time was but hoped they'd find a way soon. Now four months later, she'd come to spending more time in their loft than at the West house, splitting her time between both homes. The truth was it felt as empty without him in their lonely loft as it did in their childhood home without the fourth member of the family.

Tonight she wasn't here to ease her loneliness but her father's. Earlier this evening they had celebrated his promotion to Captain of the CCPD. Singh and his husband were moving and Joe was taking over. They'd drank and ate and laughed at the big celebration with the officers, the mayor and other public figures, Iris mingling mostly with Cisco, Wally and Julian. Her father smiled, a gracious man of honor, but Iris saw the sadness in his eyes the whole night hidden behind the fake happy. Life was moving on, they all were continuing to grow in their lives, but their wasn't full honesty in their moments of joy because of the sadness that lingered in their hearts.

Time alone was hard. Watching her father struggle was the harder. He felt as broken as she did but they were keeping each other from spiraling, he was holding on to Cecile close and they were both supporting Wally take over the mantle.

Peering over the banister she saw her father on the couch. He was still dressed in his best suit, tie undone, leaning against the armrest of the couch, head down, confirming to her that her father had never went to bed. She had at least managed a couple hours of sleep, resting in Barry's old room as usual instead of her own, clad in a CCPD t-shirt she had stolen from her father years ago that hung on her like a nightgown over her sports bra and sleep shorts.

Iris walked slowly around the couch as not to startle him and she could see he was looking at an old photo album. As she sat beside him, he looked up with tears in his eyes as she curled against his side, linking her arm in his, peering over his shoulder at the photos from their High School graduation. Her father had one arm around Barry and the other around Iris, both dressed in their graduation robes, smile beaming at the camera, the kind of smile she hadn't seen from him in months.

"I'm sorry, baby," he sniffed, kissing her forehead.

"Dad, don't apologize," she whispered as she nestled closer to him. "I get it."

"I see him, Iris," Joe spoke, looking down at his daughter. "Out of the corner of my eye, I'll catch him. Just for a minute he's real."

"I hear him. 'Iris' in a gust of wind, his voice amongst a crowd," she said, meeting her father's watery gaze with her own. "Sometimes I'll see him in the reflection of a window and then he's gone, as if he was never there."

"He's not."

"But what if he is, Dad? What if he's trying to come back to us?"

"I don't think it works that way, sweetie," Joe closed the album, resting it on the end table and wrapping an arm around his daughter. "I wish it did."

Silence stretched between them for a few moments, both lost in their own thoughts trying to justify what they'd been seeing and hearing as grief and nothing more.

"Did Barry ever tell you the story about our fight right after he got his powers?" Joe finally broke the silence. Iris sat up slightly to look at her father, shaking her head, confused curiosity on her face. "It was a few weeks after Barry woke up from the coma, right around the time you and Barry were at the award ceremony for Simon Stagg."

"Thats when the first reports of the red streak started to coming in," Iris smiled slightly, the memory fond.

"I found out Barry was running around the city, putting himself in harms way and I freaked. He was in that coma for nine months," Joe spoke, his voice quiet with a tone that conveyed the bittersweet memory. "We just get him back and he's out there stopping muggers, running into fires, looking for danger. The thought of losing him all over again, it blinded me and I blew up at him. I called him insane, told him he wasn't invincible and that he was just a kid, my kid."

"Knowing Barry, that must not have gone over well," she winced sympathetically.

"He was as mad as I was. He told me I wasn't his father. And he had every right to be mad at me. I mean after everything he went through as a kid, with his parents, with having to see psychoanalysts and no one believing what he saw. If there are two things you don't tell Barry Allen its that he's insane and that he can't do something. I did both that night," Joe laughed the smallest of laughs before the weight of his words sobered him up. "He felt powerless his whole life, just wanted to make a difference and then he gets these powers and finally feels like he can be more. And I tried to take it away from him. He was always a hero. But those nine months were some of the worst of my life. I couldn't bear to go through that again. I was just so scared of losing him again and, the truth is, I have felt a version of that fear so many times in the last three years. Of feeling the way this feels right now."

Iris wanted to cry, wanted to tell her father she felt as lost as he did. But tonight he needed her to be the strong one. Tonight her father needed her to be what he had always been for his family. So she kissed him on the cheek, wrapped her arms around his torso and let her father pull her close as he cried.

She knew what he was feeling. Her heart ached, her stomach hurt, her lungs felt like they were caving in. She didn't know if it would ever stop. What she held onto though, what kept her from being swallowed in her grief was the notion that Barry hadn't said goodbye. He asked her to promise to keep living her life, to keep growing, to keep loving, to keep running. Never once did he ask her promise to remember him. People only ask you to remember them if they're planning to leave for good. She held on to that hope as tightly as she held onto her father.


	3. Keep Loving

**Possession**

 **summary:** [post season 3, pre season 4] Iris mourned Barry's, his absence the heaviest thing she'd ever had to carry. It wasn't that Iris missed Barry, it was that Barry was missing from her. She knew he was gone, but that didn't stop her from hearing his voice in the wind and seeing shadows that reminded her of how it was and how they loved.

 **genre:** Romance, Angst

 **rated:** T

 **authors note:** title inspiration and lyrics are from "Possession" by Sarah McLachlan

* * *

 **Into this night I wander**

 **It's morning that I dread**

 **Another day of knowing of**

 **The path I fear to tread**

 **Oh into the sea of waking dreams**

 **I follow without pride**

 **Nothing stands between us here**

 **And I won't be denied**

* * *

She wished she could remember every second with him. She remembered meeting him in school, like scattered photographs she remember their childhood together, their teen years and young adulthood, happy moments and the hard ones. Memories of the last year were still vivid in their freshness; their first kiss on the porch of their childhood home, the first time they made love in her tiny apartment, barely making it through the entrance after their third date. It had all moved so fast, too fast to someone who didn't know their story. But this was more than 15 years in the making. They knew each other better than two people could. All they needed was that spark to set them a blaze and they never questioned again if this was right. Having fallen in love ages ago, nothing felt more natural in the world than being with him.

Iris had taken to wearing his t-shirts to bed. The well worn gray one with the S.T.A.R. Labs logo in blue, the simple slate mauve tee he had favored a lot the past few months like the night he sat on the couch reading her big article, the maroon henley she remembered him wearing the day he'd installed the locks on the door, worn underneath the black zip up hoodie he loved that she had begun wearing around the loft when she got cold. The familiarity of the clothes were comforting against her skin, eliciting that sensation of when she felt them against her when he used to wear them and hold her close.

On nights like these she would lay in their bed, would fall asleep facing his side of the bed, staring at the empty void and trying not to feel it in her gut. It all felt empty without him, even five months later. He made her promise to keep loving. And she would. She would keep loving him for the rest of her life. Even if she ever got to a place where she could share her heart with someone other than him, if he never returned, her heart would still always long for him. Five months stretched on like a lifetime but she would wait for as long as it took. The woman that first wore the ring on her finger, Barry's great-grandmother, had waited for three years for her love to return to her. Iris didn't want to wait that long, feared for it being longer, but remained determined to bring him home soon. She missed him too much.

She'd hold her memories tight. What she was afraid of losing was his smell, the sound of his laugh, the feel of his hand in hers, the taste of his lips, the warmth of his body pressed against her skin. What she'd always remember though, was the sadness in his eyes as he said his parting sentiments to his family, as he looked over his shoulder and smiled slightly at her before disappearing.

 _'I would give up everything I have to keep you all safe, no regrets.'_ His words to her and her father after being forced to quit CCPD rang true now just as they did then. He didn't want to leave them, but he couldn't stay.

He was one of a kind, a gentle soul with a heart of a hero. He was different, a little weird but always sweet. He was handsome, the kind of beauty not everyone would notice right away but once you did you couldn't not appreciate it. Eyes a sage green that tinted blue when he cried, a strong jaw and sharp cheeks softened only by the way his face wore his emotions; happiness with a smile that shone bright like his inner light, sadness that crumpled like the burden he bore, and wonderment at how beautiful life could be despite the tragedies that followed him. She hadn't recognized his beauty until the love inside her for him shifted, always unconditional, always pure, but now set ablaze with lust and passion for him.

When she awoke in the middle of the night after dreaming about him, she didn't jump when she saw him sitting on the edge of the bed looking down at her. She'd imagined him in bed beside her hundreds of times in the last five months. But this was different. He was dressed in the suit he had left in but it was slightly unkept, jaw lightly covered in facial hair, looking haggard and tired. He smiled at her sadly in the same way he had that night as he looked down at her now. He whispered her name and she could hear it, different than when she heard his voice from a memory. She pushed herself up from where she lay but in a blink he was gone.

She called out his name to no answer. The air in the room felt like static charge and she knew it was more than just a dream. It had to be. If it was just a culmination of her grief and longing, she didn't know how much more she could take.


	4. Keep Running

**Possession**

 **summary:** [post season 3, pre season 4] Iris mourned Barry's, his absence the heaviest thing she'd ever had to carry. It wasn't that Iris missed Barry, it was that Barry was missing from her. She knew he was gone, but that didn't stop her from hearing his voice in the wind and seeing shadows that reminded her of how it was and how they loved.

 **genre:** Romance, Angst

 **rated:** T

 **authors note:** title inspiration and lyrics are from "Possession" by Sarah McLachlan

* * *

 **And I would be the one**

 **To hold you down**

 **Kiss you so hard**

 **I'll take your breath away**

 **And after, I'd wipe away the tears**

 **Just close your eyes**

* * *

The elevator ride felt like slow motion. She could feel her heart pounding, her eyes ready to spill over anxious tears, her hands shaking, lungs craving deep breaths. She was afraid it was a dream.

She had been at work when she received the call from Wally with a story too bizarre to believe but too specific to be unreal. He and Joe had been at home, Wally woking on college coursework and Joe at the kitchen table looking over case files when the whole house started to shake, vibrations coursing throughout the house. Wally had sped downstairs to check on Joe when a brilliant light shone through the home. For a moment it had blinded them. And then as sudden as it began, the light dimmed and the house was still again.

Standing in the entrance was Barry, appearing from nowhere. Wally said he looked confused, tired and frightened, dressed in the suit they had last seen him in. He had glanced towards Wally and Joe, frowned before looking towards the stairs expectantly, and then suddenly his eyes rolled back and he collapsed. Wally had flashed to him to catch his fall and Joe had dropped to his knees beside them, hands grasping Barry's face as Wally supported him.

Wally had wanted to race him to S.T.A.R. Labs but Joe insisted they drive, afraid of what the run would do to Barry and not wanting to let Barry out of his sight. Wally had called her from the car. She had clutched the phone tightly, hands shaking as Wally retold the story, urging her to meet them at the labs.

With a ding that seemed so loud she could feel it in her chest, the elevator ride that seemed as long as the six months since Barry's disappearance came to a stop as the doors opened. She ran through the hall, heels clicking loudly against the floor, racing towards the med bay. Part of her wished she had super speed, her legs taking too long to carry her through the winding halls. The other part of her wanted to stop to breathe, to brace herself for this to all be unreal, that he hadn't returned and this was merely a trick of the mind like the sound of his voice she'd heard or the mirage she'd seen.

She came to a halt in the doorway of the medical bay. Her view was obscured by the crowd surrounding the hospital bed in the center of the room. Harry and Julian who were directly blocking her view turned at her arrival, side stepping out of the way. Wally stood on the far side of the room, the arms crossed over his chest dropped as he stood up straight from where he had been leaning against a desk. Cisco stood at the head of the bed, checking the readings on his tablet. Her father stood to the left of the bed, a hand she could see shaking from where she stood as it held tightly to the hand of the unresponsive figure in the bed.

Barry.

She moved slowly across the room, almost hesitant, afraid to disrupt the scene in front of her as if it would evaporate, like waking from a dream. But as she approached, the realness of the sight started to sink in.

Barry lay in the bed unconscious. Where the blanket was pulled up to his waist, she could see that someone had changed him from the dress clothes, his top half sporting one of the gray S.T.A.R. Labs t-shirts that never seemed to be in short supply. She could see the wires of the heart monitor peeking out of the shirt collar, a nasal cannula fixated on his face, electrodes fastened to his temples, the monitors all showing his vitals stable.

Yet he lay there, unmoving and silent like when he was in the coma for months, like the days spent unconscious after being brutally beaten by Zoom, or like the night he lay lost in a musical dream world.

"Iris," her father said through a shaky breath, the hope in his voice not going unnoticed. He said nothing else as she came to stand on the right side of the bed. She reached out a cautious hand, her hand hovering over Barry's, afraid to touch him because what if he wasn't solid.

The fingers on her left hand, sill adorned in the engagement ring, flexed before resting over his fingers. She didn't gasp when a spark of blue lightning ignited between them as her hand touched his. She'd seen this before. When he was in the coma she'd felt it, when he touched her hand as the Flash, when she'd pulled him from the speed force, when his memory was lost and they kissed she'd felt in on her lips as his powers ignited. There was a spark between them. The shock when they touch, the palpable heat of attraction and chemistry of their emotional connection, the irrepressible tug, the curious magnetic pull that drew them together intensely and intimately. She was his lighting rod, his grounding force, his tether to this place and this time.

She felt the tears roll down her cheeks as she gripped the hand tight, afraid to let it go because it was solid and here and he was alive. She moved to sit on the bed beside him and stared at his face. God, how she'd missed that face. Although slightly different than how she remembered it, his jaw covered in a scruffy beard that reminded her of the one time Barry tried to grow it out to make himself look older, coming to realize he would always be considered 'baby face' at the precinct. His head was tilted slightly towards her on the pillow, face relaxed as if he was simply sleeping. She listened to the beeping of his heart beat, watched his chest rise and fall. She stared at the curves and arches of the face she knew better than her own.

"How?" she finally asked to no one in particular, eyes not tearing away from staring at him, suddenly remembering the others were also in the room.

"We don't know," was all Cisco said before Barry sprung forward with a jolt and a gasp, his hand pulling free from both Joe and Iris' hold. He looked around the room frantically, breathing heavy. Confusion and fear was evident on his face as he tried to take in his surroundings.

"Barry! It's okay, son. You're safe!" Joe hovered over him, strong hands grasping his shoulders, willing the frantic young man to look at him. Barry panted, wordless as he started to calm but pushed Joe's hands away from him. "Barry, do you understand me?"

Barry didn't respond at all, made no indication that he heard him or understood. He just continued too look around the room as he pulled at the electrodes at his temples, unhooking the nasal cannula from behind his ears, shedding the medical equipment. He clenched his eyes shut, raising his hands to his head.

Iris moved her hands to reach for his, slowly as not to startle him, gentle to reassure him he was safe with her. She could hear them talking behind her but she was focused on the man in front of her.

"He's been extra-dimensional energy for the last six months, Ramon. We don't know what's that done to him physically or mentally."

"He might just need time to readjust, Harry."

Barry's panting started to calm as Iris pulled his hands away from his face. He opened his eyes to stare into hers, his distressed expression softening as she smiled at him. She brought his hands up to her face, pressing them against her cheeks to hold her like he'd done when he left, when he would reassure her, when he needed her to hear him. She may be his lighting rod, but he had always been as much a grounding force for her as she was for him.

"Hi," she whispered, smiling as tears rolled down her cheeks, his green eyes welling up as he looked into hers. She expected him to say something, anything. Instead she could feel his thumbs softly stroking her cheeks as her own thumbs stroked the back of the hands cupping her face.

Suddenly, Barry lunged forward, pulling her gently to him as their lips locked. It was a soft brush of the lips at first but Iris moved her hands from his to clasp the sides of his neck, tugging at him till the kiss was crushing. As he kissed her deeply she could feel the spark of the lightning in his body as if it the Speed Force itself was enveloping her with him.

She could feel Barry's lips turn into a smile against her lips and she broke the kiss only to pull away enough to touch her forehead to his, staring at each other almost crosseyed.

He was breathless as they parted and she wanted more, was craving more but there would be time for that. They had the time now. He'd come running home to her just as he promised he always would. She would never let him leave her again. He was hers, every hour, every minute of every day, he was hers.

"Iris," he sighed, finally speaking, smiling at her through his own tears. Her thumb moved to brush one away, reveling in the feel of his skin in her hands.

His voice was quiet, meant only for her but she could hear the collective sighs around the rooms as Barry said her name. His voice was quiet but for Iris it could have well as been a shout because she watched him say her name, heard the word out loud rather than whispered in the wind, felt the breath of his sigh against her face.

She wanted to tell him how much she missed him, how she felt his absence in her bones. But no words could describe to him the pain she had felt with him gone, the joy she felt with him here now. She wanted to tell him how much she loved him. He said it so often when they were together and she thought she hadn't said it enough when she had the chance. Suddenly those six months no longer mattered. Their future was ahead of them again; he was here, he was hers. There were no words she could say that could equate to everything she felt she settled with the only thing she could say that wouldn't break her down with the weight of her emotions.

"Welcome home, Barry."


End file.
